Fighting for us in Silence

I was at BSF today and we were studying about Balaam and Balak’s attempts to curse Israel (Numbers 22-24), and I had a revelation. For those who are unfamiliar with the story, here is it in a super brief nutshell:

Israel is advancing towards the Promise Land and had just won a couple of battles over some kings in the land. Then this king called Balak starts freaking out because he’s afraid that Israel is going to overthrow him, so he goes and hires this diviner guy called Balaam to put a curse on Israel. The whole story continues as Balaam tries to manipulate God into allowing him to go to Balak to put the curse on Israel even though Israel is the chosen people and are blessed by God. Eventually though, Balaam gets his way and goes to Balak, but he’s unable to curse them. Instead he ends up pronouncing seven oracles that blessed the nation of Israel because God puts those words in his mouth.

And in the midst of all that was the most random story with the talking donkey. You might have heard about the donkey previously because it’s so bizarre…but anyways, my revelation was this:

I realized that in spite of all this drama with Balaam and God, the Israelites had no clue this was even going on! God was defending and fighting on their behalf for 3 entire chapters, and the Israelites had no idea. Crazy! Talk about not taking credit and doing things in silence! Our God is such a God! He would not allow His people to be cursed, and turned it back into a blessing. If you think about it, it’s amazing that God would do that for them despite everything they have done against Him. Time and time again they revolted and rejected God, complaining and complaining and complaining. And yet God loves them so much that He would still fight for them! Even without them knowing! It almost feels like a TV drama…

And that is how God still is towards us. That is His character: He is never-changing and doing that exact same thing for us. Half the time we are not even aware of the battles that He has fought for us, and yet we complain about the little bits of suffering that we go through and reject Him. We turn away from Him because we focus on the one thing that causes us to suffer. It’s true that suffering is painful, but when we only focus on that, we forget that God is so much bigger and is for us. Instead we complain that He is not there, or that He is hurting us on purpose. Our perspectives get thwarted and we walk away from Him when He has been silently fighting for us all this time. And yet even when that happens He continues to fight for us and patiently waits for us to come back to Him.

It reminded me of this cartoon strip that I saw some time back. I don’t really agree with the line in the last frame, because I don’t think God makes mistakes or misses things. But the rest of it pretty much reflects what I just said. And I am just so in awe of God’s goodness and sacrificial love. We humans always want to take credit, but He does it in silence. We don’t deserve it but He is just so amazing.

Winter burn.

It’s been a few months since my last post! I’ve been meaning to write but not really knowing what to write about lately. I feel like I’ve been entering into a dry spell ever since this year started. Funny what a contrast 2015 has been compared to 2014…I remember noting to a friend that I’ve entered winter. It was autumn last year and the season was changing; and I’ve finally entered into winter.

When you are stuck in winter, you know that God is there, you know that He is good, and you know everything that you’ve known for a long time, but still you feel far. You can read books, you can do studies, you can speak with people about it, and yet…your life feels empty.

I think in winter, emotions take a hold of you in spite of all your discretions. You have head knowledge, you know what to do, but your emotions overtake you.

I don’t know what’s happening with my life now. I’m constantly dissatisfied with myself at work and in everything that I do. I feel like I’m not doing my best and my lack of confidence is slowly creeping back in. Always feeling like I need another break, always feeling like I need to get away.

I think I’m just tired. It’s been a long time. I’ve been fighting a long time.

You know, Moses didn’t even get to go into the Promise Land.

Seriously, I have so much respect for that man. I can’t believe after all those years of leading the people, of dealing with their rants and revolts and grumbling, that he didn’t even manage to enjoy the fruit of his labour. I can’t even imagine how he would have felt. I might have gone crazy if I were him.

But it came to me as I was doing my BSF homework.

Precisely because Moses had spent almost his entire life with the goal and aim of going into the Promise Land, God had to take that away from him to make sure that he still had his eyes set on the right things. He had to realize that physically being in the Promise Land is not the ultimate goal. Seeing God and being withHim in heaven for eternity is so much better of a prize! We have to reprioritize our lives. The greater the leader that he is, the more God required of him and in the sanctification of his life.

I think often times in ministry and in our calling, we end up putting way too much weight into our work – forgetting about the race that we are really running. We are all responsible for our own walks with the Lord, and that must not be compromised. Ultimately our service is unto the Lord, not to people. These things must constantly be in check. Who am I really serving? Am I desiring to see results as my reward more than I desire God? What are my motives for doing what I do? Unless I continually draw power from God to keep going, I will not last.

It is winter. But He is still with me. And as long as He is pleased with me, I can keep going.

New Year, New Beginnings

It’s 2015! And here we are, on the first page of another new year 🙂 There’s something about Jan 1sts. Whenever it’s this time of the year, we naturally start to think back on the past year in reflections of our lives. What did we do with the time that was given to us? Did you just let each day pass on by, or did you steward your time properly? What are some of the events that happened this year and how did you respond to them? Did you pass the tests and learn the lessons behind these occurrences? I like to think of New Years as God’s reminder to us to pause and to reflect on the focus of our lives. It’s natural and innate in us to do so, and this instinct was put in our hearts by our creator since day 1.

Like every year, I’ve had lots of great experiences and lots of painful experiences in 2014. I think such things happen to everyone, in different scales in accordance to what they are able to take, but it is in the reflections and the pondering that you can learn something from it. They are hidden treasures, even if they are painful trials and tests.

As I counted down to 2015, I prayed for more growth and for God to help me make Him a priority in my life over everything else. Yet at the same time, I was hesitant to make this prayer. I was worried that in order for that to happen, more trials would come my way and life will be hard. But I remember speaking with my parents about this, and my dad had asked me, “what is good and what is bad? Whose standards am I using when I label events as such?” And that is true. In the world’s eyes, things might not seem to go well and we might be labeled as failures. Life will be hard. But we hold on to the hope that we are running towards a prize that is everlasting, something the world is not able to see. And God is running alongside us, so take heart and daringly make Him the focus of your life 🙂

Identity

28. It had seemed so far away.

Back when I was younger, I think I had wanted to get married by 24…and now 4 years later…hahaha. but in all seriousness, I think God had allowed my life to move in a different direction from what I had envisioned, and I’m glad for that. Things that used to be so important to me are really not so important now. I think it was really only at the beginning of this year that I really started feeling comfortable with myself.

At the age of 27. That’s years after my teens.

I was reading Like Dew Your Youth just now, and this really resonated with me:

Identity is the product of decision. Each adolescent makes the decisions that produce the life that is uniquely his, or hers. Each of them become the person who made those decisions. (Peterson, 12)

That was the purpose of our adolescence. We had to learn to make decisions and become the person who made those decisions. But for a long time even after my teens, I was still unable to accept the person that I was for making certain decisions. I was indecisive, and I couldn’t keep to my decisions. I look back, I regret, and I blame others around me instead of owning up to them.

Ultimately though, it’s not even really about who I am anymore, my identity is no more than who I am in Christ. None of those things matter in comparison. The one decision that I had to make to determine my identity was the one where I decided to follow Christ on my own accord.

Nothing else.

I hope that no one follow Christ and choose to live life for Him out of resignation from other things in life. Life with God isn’t a plan to just fall-back on. He doesn’t want to be second to other things in your life, He wants to be your choice, your free will, your everything. God deserves that.

And I think we need to be constantly asking ourselves whether we have made that decision for real or if we are only going through the motions. Every waking moment of the day, we should be rededicating ourselves and consecrating ourselves.

Memories

Lately I’ve been listening a lot more to instrumental music as opposed to my usual go-to ones. Am totally rediscovering my love for Nishimura Yukie, I can’t stop listening to her pieces; they are so beautiful! Music tend to bring back memories from the past: particularly of times of when my family was in Singapore when we would have “games day” and play her CD in the background. I remember being so carefree and comfortable. I guess I just miss having my whole family together and having fun together like we used to.

Her songs also remind me of those times when Clare and I would play the piano for each other to listen…Clare was so talented and she could improvise anything, whereas I was always more stuck with just playing notes that I could read. But because I loved Nishimura’s pieces and I wanted her to hear them, I would practice the songs until I could play them for her. Memories like these make me nostalgic…I miss Clare, despite everything. If you ever stumble upon this and are reading this, know that I still care about you and that I’ll always be here for you, no matter what you say or think about me. Thank you for the memories and your friendship that sustained me for so long. I am and will always be praying for you…

Thinking about the past is a curious thing. It tugs at my heart and pains me. Some memories hurt because they are merely memories now that the friendship has been lost. Back then never would I have envisioned myself to be at this stage in my life under such different circumstances.

Friends forever. Soul mates. Things we used to say.

Life is like the shifting sand on the beach, constantly being pulled in and out by the waves.

Nothing is constant. Only God is.

To go…

It’s been a long while! Been meaning to blog for quite a number of days now, kind of miss it! There’s a lot of things swimming in my head and its hard to pick and choose one to write about…guess it’ll be this one today!

So yeah…I wonder what God has in stored for me in the future. I had my birthday about a week ago, and God blessed me with a very special present by revealing something to me. And it kind of reaffirmed for me that it could very well be in the mission field, even though it might not be immediate.

I’ve realized, that the older I get, the more I am aware of how much more training I need. Initially, I saw coming to and working at King’s as training for mission work in the future, even though I didn’t know what it would’ve meant. And throughout the years, I’ve put that thought down, picked it up again, and continued to struggle with the pull between my career as an international student counsellor and my desire to become a missionary elsewhere. I know that I wasn’t ready for the challenges of a missionary though. Japan taught me that. So I needed to learn more, to build myself up in knowledge, character, and deed. But while I have been here, I’ve been impatient; when, Lord? When will you send me? I WANT to go. I don’t WANT to stay. I want to go NOW, Lord.

But God had to teach me that it has to be His timing, and that He WILL spare the time to train someone up, just as He did for so many of His servants in the bible. Time is not of an essence to God. And I need to learn to be patient. And to be content in my circumstance.

Finally I feel like this year I’ve achieved a lot more peace in staying in Edmonton. I’m no longer restless in wanting to leave, and I’m a lot more comfortable here. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing, but it’s a blessing to finally feel this peace. Maybe God had to change that in me, so that I can learn to be satisfied and content, and still hold on to the vision. Like Abraham. Like Joseph. Like Moses.

Maybe He had to change the desire to go in me, so that it is not a desire that stemmed from my own selfish desires to travel and experience other cultures, or from my own disdain for life here. He had to make “going” His. His will for me to go, and for me to go only because of His will.

I see it now, Lord. Please continue to mould me even though it might not be the most comfortable. Help me mean it when I say that, and help me learn the things You want me to learn in the midst of trials that are in fact, the training. Help me love You more than I love myself.

Christian friendship

[Christian friendship] is the deep oneness that develops (through spiritual transparency and constancy) as two people journey together toward the same destination, helping one another through the dangers and challenges along the way.
(Timothy Keller, 2011)

I asked the Lord that I might grow

I asked the Lord, that I might grow

In faith, and love, and every grace;

Might more of His salvation know

And seek more earnestly His face

 

I hoped that in some favoured hour

At once He’d answer my request,

And by His love’s constraining power

Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

 

Instead of this, He made me feel

The hidden evils of my heart;

And let the angry powers of hell

Assault my soul in every part.

 

Yea more, with His own hand He seemed

Intent to aggravate my woe;

Crossed all the fair designs I schemes,

Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

 

“Lord, why is this?” I trembling cried,

“Wilt thou pursue Thy worm to death?”

“‘Tis in this way,” the Lord replied,

“I answer prayer for grace and faith.

 

“These inward trails I employ

From self and pride to set thee free;

And break thy schemes of earthly joy,

That thou may’st seek thy all in me.”

(John Newton, 1779)

Digging deep

Bind my wandering heart to Thee. 

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

Prone to leave the God I love;

Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,

Seal it for Thy courts above.

Sometimes I’m amazed that I’m still here. The more I read, the more I think, the more I’m aware of how sinful I am. As in, so sinful that even the act of confessing it is an act of pride. Then when I focus on growing, I realize that I’m reading so much more books than reading the Word. And even when I’m reading the Word, I realize that I’m just reading it and not really talking to God. How much do I actually really talk to God? How much do I actually get down on my knees and pray? Sure we can always make our words sound amazing, as if we’re all spiritual, but really, you yourself know the truth and God knows. How much are you actually doing what you preach? Where does God really stand in your life? Do you really have a true relationship if this is what you call a relationship? How can I say I truly love Him?

In retrospect though, I guess being intentional about growing and finding ways to grow has caused me to be a little more sensitive to HIm speaking. In the past couple weeks I’ve heard Him in the Word, the books I read, in BSF, in Chapel. God just knows my heart, even if I don’t say it. My struggles that I can’t even form into words. And He’s gracious enough that even though I’m not exactly communicating it to Him directly per se, He still speaks to me.

Ok wow.

I just realized that. I need to take that in. Because this is all grace. I’m so sinful I can’t even remember to speak to Him…and yet He addresses things that I’m going through.

Wow.

When the Ache Doesn’t Go Away

I can’t like this post enough.